Dad Jokes Explain the Universe

Ryan Teague Beckwith
2 min readOct 28, 2022

A running list

Sign photo courtesy of Chris Blakeley

Atoms

Q: Why can’t you trust atoms?

A: Because they make up everything.

Protons

A proton is running late to church. When it finally gets there, it finds services have already ended.

“But Father,” says the proton, “how could you have mass without me?”

Neutrons

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?”

“For you,” the bartender says, “no charge.”

Electrons

Two atoms walked into a bar. “Oh no,” said the first atom, “I left an electron in the car.”

“Are you sure?” the second atom said.

The first one replied, “I’m positive.”

Photons

A photon checked into a hotel. The bellhop asked where its suitcase was.

“Oh, I didn’t bring any luggage,” the photon replied. “I’m traveling light.”

Neutrinos

“We don’t serve neutrinos here,” said the bartender.

A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.

Noble gases

A helium atom walked into a bar.

“We don’t serve noble gases here,” the bartender said.

The helium atom did not react.

Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle

Werner Heisenberg was driving fast along a country road late at night when a police officer pulled him over.

“Do you know how fast you were going back there?” the cop asked.

“No, but I know where I was,” Heisenberg responded.

“Well, you were going 74 mph,” the cop said.

“Great, now I’m lost!” Heisenberg replied.

Equilibrium

When Isaac went to visit his friend Ishmael, he found a large piano partway through the door to his apartment.

“I’m afraid it’s stuck,” Ishmael said. “Can you help?”

The two pushed on the piano for several minutes to no avail.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re going to be able to get this piano into your apartment,” Isaac said.

Into my apartment?” Ishmael said. “I’m trying to get it out!”

Newton’s Third Law of Motion

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Ryan Teague Beckwith

National politics reporter. Part-time journalism teacher.